Sunday, April 20, 2014

MY SUICIDE NOTE (Just in case)

This last letter goes out to my beloved family, friends, and people who might thought to have known me.

The year 2014 has been nuts. April came and I suddenly felt like I'm pressed against a wall of a tilted ship, with all the stuff in the boat inevitably rushing towards me. Life gets really hard at times, especially when you feel like all of a sudden, someone's creating earthquakes below the ground, resulting to some major damages on the surface. But honestly, I also once believed Earthquakes are opportunities to rebuild. Nature reclaims what is hers, destroys all those man-made nonsense, and in the end we go back to basic.

People who knew me well also knew that there were only 3 things that I hated when I was alive. One, expectations. Great expectations. Second, boring stuff --- you know, highly predictable patterns. And third, storm surges. I'm not a huge fan of calm waters, but neither do I love tons of problems simultaneously getting in the way. It creates massive panic that results to unwise and impractical decisions. Today was one.

I killed myself not because I was betrayed and disenchanted. The past months, I was shocked to know that some "friends" have that other side in them which in my wildest dreams I never would have thought. I reached a point where I realized people either faked it or simply hid the truth from me. But that's fine, I mean that's reality. I'm human, and so are they. They were my "friends" but I was not. If anybody's apparently capable of doing unthinkable things, I'm surely not one to judge. I go forward. I was probably just naive.

I killed myself not because I broke my own heart. The past months, I found out that someone I like actually likes someone else, and that he dated a couple of people who I actually know. I like him but he doesn't like me back. But again, that's fine, I mean it was my choice anyway and I can always like someone else and be happy again. And that doesn't give me a reason to start hating either. I was probably just naive.

I killed myself not because this world was unfair. The past few years, I worked long hours, didn't sleep very well, didn't get to travel around and spend my money on myself so much because I thought I had better things to prioritize. I've always loved writing, but when my essay got published in a major newspaper this year, I can't go telling people because I have a lot in my turf to protect. It was crazy and horrible at the same time. But that's fine, I mean I enjoyed every bit of the experience while I was alive, and it felt good to look back that everything I did was out of my own free will. I was probably just naive.

I killed myself not because I didn't have much friends. Though I was not bullied, people did not like me so much either. Sometimes I felt like a wallflower, and a lot of times I asked myself what's wrong with me. But I realized having a few good friends is already a good thing in itself, because the more I tried to fit in, the more I felt screwed. I was happy, because I know I have my family, and I was loved by people who chose to accept and appreciate simply what's me. I was probably just naive.

And I killed myself not because I was naive. People thought I was the nice guy, because I never thought anybody will intentionally hurt me --- until they actually do. That's why when I get hurt, I get even (see? I told you I'm not nice). But although I used to get embarrassed with my naivete, I realized that was the exact same thing that held me together. If I allowed myself to get hurt because of things, people, and words that should not really matter, I would have killed myself rather earlier than today.

Today, I killed myself --- the self that knew fear, distrust, envy, and anger. I killed the self that destroyed the self that could have bloomed a long time ago, a self that should have known nothing but hope, love and faith. The Earthquakes were all meant to rebuild me. And though you will never know how crazy things get inside my head every single minute, I know I'm still sane --- because I believe it was my God who created those ripples, and it is only He who can reclaim what is His in His time. #


"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." - Philippians 4:13







3 comments:

  1. Time to rise out of the ashes, dear phoenix. :)

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  2. so deep..
    aww.. ate ayn.. lets have a date schedule na natin yan..
    im always here..

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