I haven't fully recovered from fatigue that brought my system down to catch the flu virus and triggered some bad allergies. Some, as in even those I was unaware I have them (red ants, grass, stings). And for folks who know me well, I don't go seeking doctor's advise unless I'm due for hospitalization soon. I'm stubborn indeed, and maybe this same stubbornness has forced me to stop, rest, and think things through.
I have been really busy. With a work schedule that's not fit for an average 115-lb human, I tried stretching myself to get more involved in SFC activities, attend online language courses, catch-up with personal learning, on top of the usual house chores just to force myself to achieve the so called "work-life balance." But after months and months of not getting enough sleep and stressing myself out to do everything, it was an auto-shutdown for me. The result? Now I (temporarily) can't go OT, can't attend activities, and can't even help around the house today otherwise I would have to extend this unwanted vacation. So with the hours I spent in bed romancing the pale yellow light from the bedside floor lamp, I was asking myself, "Now what am I apart from these things that I do?" What a good way to even stress myself out for overthinking.
But seriously speaking, a lot of us find our identity in the realm we are moving in. I am blah and I work for blah blah blah. I am blah's daughter and blah blah blah are my friends. I am active in blah and I do blah blah blah in this community. To top it off, we people just love listening to and doing things according to the unnecessary advise of people who define coolness and belongingness. So maybe a little removal from every bit of these helps in revisiting yourself and knowing which direction to actually take.
I love going vertical when everyone goes horizontal. But yes, I suffer a fair amount of good ol' marginalization because of this. As you can't relate to most because you've intentionally pushed yourself away from the pool of trends, you basically belong nowhere --- so you just have to enjoy the silence and isolation that this entails. Silence and isolation that leads to more moments of contemplation. For an often nostalgic mammal like me, these two are dangerous.
A couple of hours ago I posted an FB status that tagged a lot of friends from my first job. I genuinely miss everything about that life. Maybe a lot may not know how proud I am to have come from a job that perhaps was sometimes "deglamorizing" but to which I owe a lot of things that I've learned. And I knew that I had this family of FGI folks whose affinity I cannot trade for anything I have now. I am not afraid to get judged, and of people who might think that I am not happy with what I have now. So here's what I have to say: As much as I would love to move back to where it is comfortable, we all have to go forward, grow, and live. Your choices lead you to unexpected scenes, but I'm still firm on the fact that wherever I am now, I was placed here for some good reason, whether I'm living the way I wanted or not.
Tired. Yes, I am tired of a lot of things that perpetually bothers me. A good friend has strongly advised me this week to "let go." Although she meant that for something in particular, I might need to take that in general. But what if I let go ala Jeff Buckley down the Wolf River? Or ala Chris McCandless to seize the wild? Wait up, these two guys ended up dead. Better find equally dramatic stunts but with less morbidity.
I'm not in the mood to answer my own question so I'll just let this molting process carry on with its job while I wait. But for now, it's time to pick up on my German lessons. Bis später. #
