May kilala kang ganyan? O ikaw mismo ganyan? Hindi ka nag-iisa. Paminsan ako mismo ganyan. Pa'no, ang hirap naman kasi magpaka-"happy happy" 'pag pakiramdam mo wala nang nangyaring tama sa buong araw o buong linggo mo o buong buwan mo. Minsan pakiramdam mo ikaw yung kinakantahan ng The Rembrandts sa theme song nila ng "Friends" eh. It's like you're always stuck in second gear. When it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year. Oh sige na, ituloy mo na sa chorus.
I'll tell you a little nega-story. So we've been pressured to write a research paper within 4 weeks and had to present it in mock-conference style. Right. What do I know about scientific research, writing, and presenting in front of agriculture experts? Zero. Nada. Null. We were just telling each other, the purpose of the module is for us to learn and get used to this stuff anyway. Well, getting it done once is one thing. Getting used to it is another. And hell no one ever gets used to them, we realized. It's just that AgEcon students really take things more seriously than any other specie in the campus. We have more than enough empirical evidence for that.
I was able to submit the paper and presentation file on time, and yesterday came my dreaded day. I have been used to presenting to a very critical audience in the past few years but for some reason I just can't help but still get the jitters whenever I need to give one. It was all in my head --- I have no solid scientific background, my paper had a poor structure, I gave insufficient evidence, I blabber a lot when I'm nervous, and that I'll just die in front of my advisers in the question and answer part. In my mind I was so sure that it's going to be a total mess. Hours before the real thing I noticed my hands were starting to get cold (it's 30 degrees Celsius in Hohenheim yesterday btw) and my classmates noticed I was spacing out and wasn't paying attention to the conversation. "You're nervous," they said. "Well, yeah," I just replied. But deep inside I knew I was starting a terrible panic attack. I am not able to express myself well in such state, unlike others who can just shout it all out or shake it off to the person right next to them. But I knew that if I allow myself to get deeper into that psychological state, all the weeks of my hard work will go down the drain. That's the time I started shifting gears. I've had panic attacks in the past and it was never funny or easy to recover from. So I followed my 1-2-3.
Step 1. Breathe it out. I took my phone and texted my best bud. I said "Mehn sobrang kinakabahan ako. Inhale exhale, inhale exhale, hwooh." I was literally inhaling and exhaling heavily then to keep myself from palpitating. Message sent. That calmed me down a bit. I didn't need to get a response, she knows that. I literally just need to let it all out with someone I am purely comfortable with.
Step 2. Loosen up. I excused myself from the group and said I needed to print a copy of my presentation. Truth is, I just badly needed to divert all the energy in my brain to my appendages by taking a walk. So I sauntered down the road and back and forth and back and forth for 20 minutes or so until I reached my secret spot in the campus. That calmed me down a bit further.
Step 3. Tell yourself you can. I sat down on an old wooden bench in this little park in front of San Antonius von Padua Church. There was no one around (as usual, that's why I love that spot) so I was able to continue my breathing exercise and talk to myself ALOUD a little bit. I asked myself: Who read 20+ journals and books and did all the research? I did. Who wrote the effin' paper? I did. Who made the presentation? I did. And who's going to give the presentation? I WILL. So there's no other person in the room, not even my advisers, would know anything more about it than I do. And even if they know more, hell, I am in front and I am in command. I was of course tempted to think that I'm just making up the good feeling. But if I'm just faking it 'til I make it, I would at least make it than not getting there at all. A soft breeze blew my direction and as it went past me I felt like a lot of the bad energies left me. A lot, but not all. After a short convo with the Big Guy I stood up and did what I had to do. (The rest of the story is not as interesting anymore. I was ready for the worst but surprisingly it went well. Got a good feedback for both the paper and the presentation.)
My little allegory might sound mababaw for the problems that you are facing right now. Unhappy with your job? Unemployed? Family problems? In a rut with something or someone? Ang saya kaya magpaka-negastar. But don't take it away from you. It's part of being human to experience a roller coaster of emotions --- no one stays fully positive all the time. And hey, even seemingly positive people have their share of downs and nega-star moments. The only thing is, know when enough is enough. Most of the time we already know what to do but we just don't take that one crucial step to shift the gears. I know it ain't easy. But even big things start with a little 1-2-3. #
