STIMULUS

by Ayn

"Expect ingratitude."

I'm breaking the silence.

It happened because it had to.

I did it. I left home.

Home? Not a fool will believe.

A place of comfort

is not always "home."

It, too, can just be "fear."

I wanted to pull you out

From that old, grimy place

where Gold is foreshadowed with gold

And victims grow by the dozen

Don't take too much time

Get the hell out of Hell

Know that despite this pain

Truth awaits your arrival

Inciting to sedition

I hate how you never saw I was always like this.

I hate how I had to play your games.

Chinese checkers are never fun.

I am not proud.

I never was.

I never was like you.

And never will be. #

*photo by Mike of freedominteractivedesign.com

OF BREAK-UPS AND DEATHS

by Ayn

It's all part of life. Every now and then we get to experience how it feels to be down on the sidelines, being separated from someone. And sometimes, we still hope for unexpected comebacks. Just like in the Rock music industry. Sorry to disappoint you with the title.

I'm not that old to have experienced the glory days of rock and roll. Minus The Beatles, I can go only as far back as the 80's. But as far as my era is concerned, I believe there have been pretty disappointing turns over the last 30 years.

1.) Worst Band Break-Up (Foreign): THE SMASHING PUMPKINS

Technically, the Pumpkins are still alive. But the break-up I'm referring to is of the four-piece ensemble of Billy Corgan, James Iha, D'arcy Wretzky, and Jimmy Chamberlin, who immortalized "1979", "Perfect", and "Tonight, Tonight" in the mainstream. Unknown to many is the real reason of the split, but the usual vocalist-turned-mad hit the headlines in 2000. Corgan returned a couple of years fronting Zwan, but was unsuccessful. In 2007 a much-publicized comeback album was released, but to the disappointment of many. Carrying the Pumpkins' brand again, the only original member Corgan brought with him was Chamberlin, who was rumored to have later left the band because of... Corgan.

So maybe the headlines were right. It was a vocalist-turned-mad case after all. But still, Corgan will never cease to be my all time favorite lyricist. I do not know Pumpkins past 2000. It was in 1998 with the song "Perfect" when I discovered this permanent love affair for alternative music. It was with the classic Pumpkins' albums where I learned my first guitar lessons, strumming "1979" and plucking "Stumbleine" and "Galapogos." Their music was addicting, with clean guitars and labyrinth-like verses. Despite keeping the band name alive, the Pumpkins that I knew has long been dead. And it's the worst in 30 years.

* Others in the list - Soundgarden, New Radicals, White Stripes, Goo Goo Dolls, Jars of Clay

2.) Worst Band Break-Up (Local): THE ERASERHEADS

And it's not because I celebrate the same birthdate with Ely Buendia. Claim number one: E-HEADS is NOT Ely Buendia. I know, I know, I could have picked someone not-so-mainstream and not-so-known by posseurs. But still, their music is a celebration of modern (and tamed) Filipino rock. Melodies were simple, lyrics were sometimes lame, but all in all, E-heads defined the Filipino alternative music of the 90s. But again, rumors say it was yet another vocalist-turned-mad case. 'Twas in early 2000s when Raimund Marasigan, Buddy Zabala, and Markus Adoro tried reviving with a lady frontman, Kris Dancel of the The Fatal Posporos. But everybody thought it weird, because everybody associated E-heads with Ely. I can't even blame kids if they thought the E in E-heads meant Ely. Claim number two: E-HEADS IS NOT ELY BUENDIA. Good Lord. But all members are now on separate ways in their respective careers, still within the local rock industry. I just hated it when they did this reunion concert, and TWICE at that. Come on. When you say REUNION, you do it permanently, a la Wolfgang!

*Others in the list - Twisted Halo, Sugarfree

3.) Worst Death (Foreign): JEFF BUCKLEY

No need for words. Just listen to his music. Or refer to my blogpost last Nov. 17. :) No, but seriously, I just hated why this guy had to die before his mile-long vocal range hit the airwaves. Just so frustrating I didn't even get to hear him live. He drowned in the Mississippi in 1997. He was 30. Reincarnation, please? Everybody here wants you. Me and Karla on top of the list. :)

*Others in the list - Kurt Cobain (Nirvana), Hillel Slovak (Red Hot Chili Peppers), John Lennon

4.) Worst Death (Local): TEDDY DIAZ

"And even back then The Dawn was never your band. It was Teddy's." This emotional line from Cinemalaya's Tulad ng Dati briefly expresses how influential Diaz of The Dawn has been especially in the rise of the 80's New Wave, uh, wave. Though I wasn't born yet to have witnessed him do "Salamat" and "Enveloped Ideas" in the flesh, I just know he was the guitarist who set the standards for most modern lead guitarists today. I mean, I love Francis Brew, as in hands down to the little guy. But seeing Teddy play that electric lead using a violin's bow? Man, I would have paid anything to go to a freaking Storm Concert! Teddy was stabbed by a petty thief in 1988. He was 25. Little did that robber know he hit a vital artery in the local rock scene.

*Others in the list - Chico Molina (Kapatid), Francis Magalona

Despite these deaths I would like to believe this industry will still continue to keep the love alive, especially with the comeback of STP, Fuel, and Wolfgang, and with the perpetual commitment of Pearl Jam, Razorback, and other oldies to musical ingenuity and integrity. Deaths and break-ups are all part of it, and comebacks are just pleasant surprises. But whether or not these people stay, the music definitely will. #

WILLINGLY WEIRD

by Ayn

People sometimes call me an art snob. Or at least my friend Sharon always does. That's not at all true, if I may contest. I may openly hate the pop culture, but I'm definitely open to all avenues of creativity. It's just that I hate the pop culture. Okay, so maybe she's right.

The word 'weird' was something that has always been dear to me. I may not dress in a strange manner, use odd palettes for my face, or go to joints full of eerie people, but I wanted to be weird by simply NOT doing the things most people do. I never read or watched a single Potter or Twilight. The only movies I watch in theaters each year are Cinemalaya entries. No Bieber, Gaga, Perry, or Rihanna could be found on my playlist. I stopped listening to radio after NU 107 got defunct. Never wanted to get ANY Apple product. Never dreamed of a Ferrari but a vintage little yellow Volkswagen Beetle. Not to mention I stopped blogging when I noticed everyone else was doing it! The nerve. That's why advertisements never worked for me.

But since I have a Facebook account and my Blogspot went live again, sometimes I ask myself whether I'm really not into pop culture, or I'm just too plain indolent to try out some things. I try, but I have to find myself a really, really good reason, or an excusable excuse. And I must admit this laziness can really become a hindrance to human relationships, especially when I feel like I'm pushing people away by telling them indirectly that "We're not the same."

Nevertheless, I know I'm not alone, or maybe I'm just on the other side of the plane. Maybe people who love Gaga thinks everybody loves Kurt Cobain or that Eddie Vedder's vocals are just so ordinary. Or that The Dawn is just a local rip-off of Western New Wave culture, and it's high time Joey Ayala gets a haircut. Well he already did. So now I'm starting to accept that everyone's just finding ways to belong, at the same time express--- and by that I mean owning a certain personality that is ours, and only ours.

I suddenly remembered this acquaintance of mine who most, if not some, consider 'weird.' Perhaps it's just with how she carries and expresses herself. She might wear off-season layers and (not) give you 'the look', but as for me I never saw her as the strange fella everybody thinks she is. In fact I think she's one of the coolest kids I've known, aside from the fact that she also has this knack for creative writing. We were out of town then and people thought she was being emo, staying on the cabana by herself. Didn't tell them I wanted to do that, too (but she was there so I have to strut a different stuff, haha). That was also when we had a first and last real conversation and man, did we never ran out of subject matters. She wasn't trying to be deep, opening up topics like pointillism, realism, and all sorts of -isms, but was rather just being truthful to the craft she can best express herself with.

Maybe that was what I think pop culture has snatched from a lot of us. Everybody loves it, so how now can I see YOUR personality apart from the trends that 85% of the planet follow? I just wished people will think of and own their unique avenues to express their creativity, because believe me or not, we all have artists in all of us. As for me I wish I am able to express myself better instead of coming across as an art snob. As for everybody, I wish we would someday stand up for a cause we love or a craft we enjoy, as beings who would willingly be weird as we are. #