I haven't written much since we started "talking" again.
Or I don't know if it's just because I've been starting to shift my craft from creative to academic-slash-scientific writing. The direction I am taking right now is pretty much a hundred and eighty degrees turn, as they usually say. I have been accustomed to using words as an escape, a weapon, or simply an extension of my restless thoughts. But now that I'm veering away from the very form that most people have quite "recognized" me with, I somewhat fear that along the way I'm also starting to lose the very connection where we started with.
Or maybe that's just me being too nostalgic. But you see, I've been a fan of your work, and so have you been mine. We've existed in each other's world, but without the other knowing fully the real context behind those hard-thought metaphors. And although you've already taken down most of the stuff where I solely relied upon to update myself with what's happening to you back then, there still are days when I wish I can just walk down "memory lane". I have a penchant for looking back at the past, and re-reading our rare conversations every time sheds a light to some of the puzzles that I've always had a hard time living with. It's like browsing through a dusty photo album of an old friend. It's like watching those '90s home videos in VHS. It makes my heart smile and cry at the same time.
Even with our new-found proximity, there still are times when I cannot bring myself to put into words --- yes, the very words that I have tried to shape in my own form all these years --- some things that I want to say or ask or scream to you about. It is at these times that I find my art both a blessing and a curse. Just as when most would probably think that it should be relatively easy, it is actually when it is hardest. That's why I just write to the world the very things that I cannot write to you. Scribbles of hopes, of dreams, of assurances, and of silence. Hoping that someday when you read back, since you've sworn that you're my biggest fan and I'm pretty sure you're going to find a way to read them, you'll get to realize that the world I'm trying to talk to is nothing but you. #
