ONLY SIX MONTHS TO LIVE

I have always been fascinated with the thought of dying young. When I hear of people leaving this earth in their 20's, I sometimes border on envy. Most people would say, "sayang," but for me, it's more of a "wow." Congratulations. Mission accomplished.

The very thought of death never really scared me. Well, besides my wish not to die with a gunshot or from a freak accident, death generally is something I know is natural and something that will come unexpectedly. I know I'm not holding on to anything in this world simply because they're all temporary. But to add morbidity to wanting to die quite young, I actually set a deadline for myself --- 24. Wait. I'm 24. So that means I've only got 6 months more. 

In my mind I've set the perfect life until my 24th year of existence: right after graduation, I'm going to earn 2 years of professional work experience, resign, take up a Masters degree outside my country, go back, and then... blank. So maybe that's where the "24" is coming from. I don't know where to pick up from where I'm leaving off. My deadline is an escape from the great unknown.

But fortunately (or unfortunately), the vision never came true. I've been working for almost four years now and flunked every application to study abroad (as if there has been that many). You know the feeling of knowing your end goals in life but not knowing the in-betweens from the now? That's where I'm exactly at. You may think I'm "malas," but ironically, it's when these plans got screwed up that I was opened up more to the beauty of life. 

Being 24 has been a turning point in my life. I've departed yet seen new places. I've separated yet met new people. I've unlearned yet was reminded. And because I know I'm 24 and in my mind got only six months to live, I've been opened to the reality that opportunities are but everywhere---I was just stupid to have stayed inside my barracks with all of my weapons for quite a few years, waiting for God-knows-what. I was quite confused then. But maybe now I'm ready.

Isn't it poignant that just when you've started, here seemingly comes the sudden end? But whether or not God will take that deadline seriously this year (and I'm pretty sure He won't because His timing will always be a bittersweet stunner), I'd still be grounding to that deadline to remind myself that I have better get moving now or it's going to be never. Come November, maybe I'll still wake up on my birthday like just any other day. But I'm not to bum around because if there's anything in this life, I want to get at least a death well-deserved. :) #

photo credit: teenink