SUMMIT

Autumn.
That time of the year when dried out leaves bid farewell
To branches that hold them dear.
Brown, dry, fallen.
On the ground, crisp as freshly washed linen,
Taking the hue of the earthen soil beneath.
At times, on grass.
On lush greens moistened with cold dew drops at dawn.

Autumn.
A time of dying, a prerequisite to breathing.
To breathe, to give way to life anew,
When branches give birth to sprigs of green
And pink
And yellow
And purple.
Flowers.
Tiny buds making its way out of their home,
Out of seeds, out to where the breeze blows
At the gentlest sign of spring.

But, spring.
Doesn't come until after the cold.
Not until a young, brown leaf gets crushed
On the ground, covered with thin, gray, dusty ice.
Not until the frozen silence conquers the heavy rustling
And falling
And dying.

And dying.

Autumn. #

MY FAVORITE MISTAKES (in Filipino Grammar)

The Philippines has always been proud of its high literacy rate, always more or less at the 90+% rate year in year out. On top of that, 56% of the population are well-versed in the English language that we are even more particular in grammar and vocabulary compared to native speakers. In fact the middle and upper classes of society have coined the term "Grammar Nazi" to pertain to people who spot and correct grammatical errors at point blank. This becomes very common, especially in the age of social media where more than half of the posts you see by Filipinos are actually expressed in English. What fancies me, however, is the fact that we are actually very prone to drawing ourselves into the same pitfall --- that is, get really bad in our native language's basic grammar 101s.

So as much as grammar nazis hate the famous subject-verb agreement errors popularized by pop songs ("she don't love me") and favorite homophone mistakes (your and you're, their and they're), I'm listing 5 of the most common Filipino (Tagalog to be specific) grammatical errors that I encounter in daily conversations.

1) Nang/Ng - similar to the they're and their etc, this Filipino homophone is the most favorite mistake of all time. Nang is an adverb (pang-abay) therefore should be followed by a verb or an adjective, while Ng is a preposition ("of" in English) thus should be followed by a noun.

e.g. gumising NANG maaga, gusto NANG umatras, vs. uminom NG tubig, nagtakal NG bigas. And don't mistake it with the contracted "NA + ANG". It's a little similar to "already" e.g. wala NANG pera, or mayroon NANG kuryente

Nang is also a substitute for "noong", as in NANG siya ay umalis. Also a substitute for "para" as in maligo ka NANG bumango. But those are more on the formal use.

2) Verb conjugation in the Past Tense - Generally, if the verb begins with a consonant, past tense becomes first letter + in + the rest of the verb. If the verb begins with a vowel, you write "in", and then the verb. This goes true for verbs requiring a direct object (tuwirang layon).

e.g. kuha = kINuha ang... , amoy = INamoy ang... , patong = pINatong sa... , inom = INinom ang...

But of course there is an exception for verbs beginning with the letter L, wherein you use the format "ni + verb"

e.g. lagay = nilagay ang... , luto = niluto ang...

So it's actually wrong to say nikuha, nipatong, niganyan, niganon. They're probably just trying to sound cute. :P

3) Verb conjugation in the Present Tense - For present tense, the repetitive syllable will always be the first syllable of the verb and not the "KA".

e.g. Nakaiinis, not Nakakainis. So it's actually wrong to say Nakakapagpabagabag because it should be Nakapagpapabagabag. :)

4) Spelling 101 - the SMS and social media age has brought about major changes with the way we spell our native words. It's HINDI and not HINDE, LALAKI and not LALAKE, SINABI and not SINABE. And because Tagalog is simply pronounced as spelled and vice-versa, please, we need to hear the /i/ sound and not the /eh/.

5) Raw/Daw = you use RAW if followed by a word ending in a vowel. DAW is used when preceded by a word that ends in a consonant. Exceptions are letters W and Y as they sound like vowels.

sinabi RAW ni Pepe, not sinabi daw
inamin DAW ng kriminal, not inamin raw
palay RAW ang ani, not palay daw
mababaw RAW ang ilog, not mababaw daw

BONUS: Taglish conjugated verbs = I just love seeing words like "nag-swimming", "magta-Timezone" and other horrible conjugations of both Tagalog and English verbs. They seem to be generally acceptable now, but only in as far as human understanding is concerned (lol). I myself could not think of a straight rule for this, but it really pains me to see Tagalog letters in between English words, like:

pinakuluan = binoil
pinadala = sinend
kinulot = cinurl (how do you even pronounce that?!)

And because they are both grammatically and aesthetically ugly, can we please just settle with them being unacceptable? :P


I gave you the jumpstart and you may think of several more. We may laugh, yes, but we're not being grammar Nazis here. Anybody who hasn't made a mistake in either languages is by the way called a grammar freak already. And I'm not saying that we Filipinos should just stick to English either. Our language is part of our identity, and the rules around its grammar is not meant to alienate any speaker or writer, but to simply act as a guide to its art form, and for the sole purpose of communication and universal understanding.

Oh and the next time you greet someone hello, say KUmusta and not KAmusta --- because it's actually from the Spanish "como estas." :) #

LIVING IN THE NOW

The first time I drafted a resignation letter, I stared for more than a freaking hour at a blank MS Word page. Knowing myself, I planned on writing something dramatic, and ending it with a bang. But I ended up searching Google for a sample resignation letter format, something more direct, since no one would really care anyway.

Poignancy hits me nowadays seeing a lot of good friends leaving my workplace. I think to myself, “That was me, almost 3 years ago.” I suddenly miss those days of stress and transition, the exciting thought of starting anew, and the wave of relief when you finally get your last pay. Seeing people leave can be a bit sad. Yes, it's only a “bit” now, because I've gradually been numbed over time.

When I was younger I used to believe that the relationships I have built in my workplace would be the only thing that would hold me. You can’t blame me, my first officemates were all warm and cool at the same time (shameless shout-out to my EA and FGI friends out there), and we had a lot of ideals and hobbies in common. But people grow, and so do our dreams. It was painful to let go of 3 and a half years of good memories, but we all come to a point of decision --- and I decided to move out where I know it’s not going to be comfortable. One by one, we did. And to this day we honored an unwritten promise --- no excuses, and no turning back.

This time though, I’m the one who’s being left. But I know I understand things better now, and perhaps I owe it to that part of my past. Now I know why the people I left cared the least. They probably were happy, and we have different priorities anyway. Plus, they were stable enough to not let anybody else's decisions affect theirs. And I understand why some younger people would react like it’s the end of the world when their friends leave too. I used to think the same, but I always remind myself that though making friends is part of what we gain, that’s not the reason why we go to work. 

People get used to ways, to habits, to people, and then the daily routine eventually becomes a system. When something suddenly changes, that’s when our system gets a glitch. And when we can’t cope with change, that’s when we lose. It’s ok to miss a lot of things --- besides the people, sales meetings, field work and stressful phone calls, I still miss the EDSA traffic and anniversary sales. Believe me, I still could not memorize my new pay dates (yes I know, that sucks), and there are Mondays when I wake up worrying if I left the logbook with the Warehouse. Then I realize, it’s been 3 years and I now have a new set of worries to attend to. When I wake up to those kind of days, I just smile, and then go back to living in the present. It's your journey so you have all the control over the steering wheel. If you keep looking at your rear view, holding on to the past, you won't see the astounding beauty ahead of you.

Time permits us to handle things differently, including change. We experience similar situations, but in different perspectives, thus we approach them differently too. And if we just allow ourselves to grow and accept certain inalienable truths, there’s no need for unnecessary drama. But it will all happen over time. That’s why all I can say is, it sure feels good to be older. # 

fitvillains

MY SUICIDE NOTE (Just in case)

This last letter goes out to my beloved family, friends, and people who might thought to have known me.

The year 2014 has been nuts. April came and I suddenly felt like I'm pressed against a wall of a tilted ship, with all the stuff in the boat inevitably rushing towards me. Life gets really hard at times, especially when you feel like all of a sudden, someone's creating earthquakes below the ground, resulting to some major damages on the surface. But honestly, I also once believed Earthquakes are opportunities to rebuild. Nature reclaims what is hers, destroys all those man-made nonsense, and in the end we go back to basic.

People who knew me well also knew that there were only 3 things that I hated when I was alive. One, expectations. Great expectations. Second, boring stuff --- you know, highly predictable patterns. And third, storm surges. I'm not a huge fan of calm waters, but neither do I love tons of problems simultaneously getting in the way. It creates massive panic that results to unwise and impractical decisions. Today was one.

I killed myself not because I was betrayed and disenchanted. The past months, I was shocked to know that some "friends" have that other side in them which in my wildest dreams I never would have thought. I reached a point where I realized people either faked it or simply hid the truth from me. But that's fine, I mean that's reality. I'm human, and so are they. They were my "friends" but I was not. If anybody's apparently capable of doing unthinkable things, I'm surely not one to judge. I go forward. I was probably just naive.

I killed myself not because I broke my own heart. The past months, I found out that someone I like actually likes someone else, and that he dated a couple of people who I actually know. I like him but he doesn't like me back. But again, that's fine, I mean it was my choice anyway and I can always like someone else and be happy again. And that doesn't give me a reason to start hating either. I was probably just naive.

I killed myself not because this world was unfair. The past few years, I worked long hours, didn't sleep very well, didn't get to travel around and spend my money on myself so much because I thought I had better things to prioritize. I've always loved writing, but when my essay got published in a major newspaper this year, I can't go telling people because I have a lot in my turf to protect. It was crazy and horrible at the same time. But that's fine, I mean I enjoyed every bit of the experience while I was alive, and it felt good to look back that everything I did was out of my own free will. I was probably just naive.

I killed myself not because I didn't have much friends. Though I was not bullied, people did not like me so much either. Sometimes I felt like a wallflower, and a lot of times I asked myself what's wrong with me. But I realized having a few good friends is already a good thing in itself, because the more I tried to fit in, the more I felt screwed. I was happy, because I know I have my family, and I was loved by people who chose to accept and appreciate simply what's me. I was probably just naive.

And I killed myself not because I was naive. People thought I was the nice guy, because I never thought anybody will intentionally hurt me --- until they actually do. That's why when I get hurt, I get even (see? I told you I'm not nice). But although I used to get embarrassed with my naivete, I realized that was the exact same thing that held me together. If I allowed myself to get hurt because of things, people, and words that should not really matter, I would have killed myself rather earlier than today.

Today, I killed myself --- the self that knew fear, distrust, envy, and anger. I killed the self that destroyed the self that could have bloomed a long time ago, a self that should have known nothing but hope, love and faith. The Earthquakes were all meant to rebuild me. And though you will never know how crazy things get inside my head every single minute, I know I'm still sane --- because I believe it was my God who created those ripples, and it is only He who can reclaim what is His in His time. #


"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." - Philippians 4:13

urbanemix.com

THE ART OF MOULTING

And yet I'm faced with another blank canvas moment, wanting to write "something" but not knowing whether that "something" will mean to you, to him, or if anybody will even give a damn to read through. But I'll blabber anyway.

I haven't fully recovered from fatigue that brought my system down to catch the flu virus and triggered some bad allergies. Some, as in even those I was unaware I have them (red ants, grass, stings). And for folks who know me well, I don't go seeking doctor's advise unless I'm due for hospitalization soon. I'm stubborn indeed, and maybe this same stubbornness has forced me to stop, rest, and think things through.

I have been really busy. With a work schedule that's not fit for an average 115-lb human, I tried stretching myself to get more involved in SFC activities, attend online language courses, catch-up with personal learning, on top of the usual house chores just to force myself to achieve the so called "work-life balance." But after months and months of not getting enough sleep and stressing myself out to do everything, it was an auto-shutdown for me. The result? Now I (temporarily) can't go OT, can't attend activities, and can't even help around the house today otherwise I would have to extend this unwanted vacation. So with the hours I spent in bed romancing the pale yellow light from the bedside floor lamp, I was asking myself, "Now what am I apart from these things that I do?" What a good way to even stress myself out for overthinking.

But seriously speaking, a lot of us find our identity in the realm we are moving in. I am blah and I work for blah blah blah. I am blah's daughter and blah blah blah are my friends. I am active in blah and I do blah blah blah in this community. To top it off, we people just love listening to and doing things according to the unnecessary advise of people who define coolness and belongingness. So maybe a little removal from every bit of these helps in revisiting yourself and knowing which direction to actually take.

I love going vertical when everyone goes horizontal. But yes, I suffer a fair amount of good ol' marginalization because of this. As you can't relate to most because you've intentionally pushed yourself away from the pool of trends, you basically belong nowhere --- so you just have to enjoy the silence and isolation that this entails. Silence and isolation that leads to more moments of contemplation. For an often nostalgic mammal like me, these two are dangerous.

A couple of hours ago I posted an FB status that tagged a lot of friends from my first job. I genuinely miss everything about that life. Maybe a lot may not know how proud I am to have come from a job that perhaps was sometimes "deglamorizing" but to which I owe a lot of things that I've learned. And I knew that I had this family of FGI folks whose affinity I cannot trade for anything I have now. I am not afraid to get judged, and of people who might think that I am not happy with what I have now. So here's what I have to say: As much as I would love to move back to where it is comfortable, we all have to go forward, grow, and live. Your choices lead you to unexpected scenes, but I'm still firm on the fact that wherever I am now, I was placed here for some good reason, whether I'm living the way I wanted or not.

Tired. Yes, I am tired of a lot of things that perpetually bothers me. A good friend has strongly advised me this week to "let go." Although she meant that for something in particular, I might need to take that in general. But what if I let go ala Jeff Buckley down the Wolf River? Or ala Chris McCandless to seize the wild? Wait up, these two guys ended up dead. Better find equally dramatic stunts but with less morbidity.

I'm not in the mood to answer my own question so I'll just let this molting process carry on with its job while I wait. But for now, it's time to pick up on my German lessons. Bis später. #

ANG PAG-IBIG AY ALAALA

Sana ang pag-ibig ay buhangin sa mabatong baybayin,
Kayang lunurin ng dagat,
Lamunin ng alon,
At mahugas ng alat.

Sana ang pag-ibig ay anino sa malawak na dalampasigan,
Kayang saklubin ng dapit-hapon,
Sa pagtawid ng bangka
Sa kabila ng Tulay.

Sana ang pag-ibig ay dahon sa taglagas,
Kayang dalhin ng malakas na hangin
Sa bawat paghampas nito
Sa natutuyo nang mga puno.

Sana ang pag-ibig ay niyebe sa mga sanga,
Kayang matunaw sa pagbungad
Ng isang maaraw na umaga
Sa pagsapit ng Tagsibol.

Ngunit, ang pag-ibig ay alaala.

Ang pag-ibig ay alaala ng tunog ng hampas ng alon,
Sumasabay sa bawat tibok ng pulso sa karagatan.

Ang pag-ibig ay alaala ng tanawin sa paglubog ng araw
Sa mabilis na paglisan ng dapit-hapon sa dalampasigan.

Ang pag-ibig ay alaala ng paglaglag ng mga dahon,
Naiipon sa ipu-ipo ng kahel at luntian sa Taglagas.

Ang pag-ibig ay alaala ng marahang pagpatak ng niyebe,
Tahimik na binabalot ng puti ang paligid sa Taglamig.

Ang pag-ibig ay damdamin.
Ang damdamin ay kaisipan.
Ang kaisipan ng damdamin ay isang alaala.
Ang pag-ibig, ay alaala. #

SCATTERED

I thought
I was fine.

I woke up on a Tuesday feeling somewhat light.
Light. Golden sun rays peeping through the rusting cold window sills.
Cliches. Cliches. I hate cliches.
But at one point in my life, I may have had to bite on a few.
Bite. And chew.

I thought
I was fine.

But though I only thought I was fine,
I was actually feeling really fine.
Fine. I wasn't.
But it wouldn't help thinking you actually are not.
Because you actually. Are not.

So I choose
To be.

It was not so hard a choice after all,
Thinking, it wouldn't have mattered anyway.
Because it never did. I was only at that point where I thought it did.
Walking now towards the forest clearing, I know it never did.
It never did.

I thought
I was not.
Fine.

Growing seeds of love, hatred, love, pain. Love.
I looked everywhere for that very concept,
For that very idea that everyone told me to be such.
Understanding. That's what I found. Pain. It's surreal.
Surreal. It's pain.

I thought
Thoughts.
Random, scattered trail of thoughts.
Perhaps the river will bring some calm.
Perhaps the seas will cover, divert,
Swallow what's left of it. Of me.

The big sea.
Salty, calm, and blue.
Scattered. Over me. #

A PERSONAL MOVING ON STORY. BAWAL BASAHIN.

O e di lalo mong binasa? Haha naaah, just go on. This is harmless, and seldom do I do this anyway sharing personal stuff. But no guarantee of any thought-provoking learnings here. To eliminate frustration, just expect plain pointlessness. Period.

Minutes ago I was in front of my laptop, trying my best to learn these gruelling vibrato lessons on a seriously challenging instrument (for which, to all players, I now have my highest respects). Out of frustration, or plain ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) perhaps, I just opened a new Chrome tab and tried to continue with my online lectures instead. In the end, I signed in to my Blogger account. Emphasis on ADD.

It's been months, good Lord, yeah since the last post I wrote was August. I don't think I have the writer's block again though, but maybe a characteristic lack of balance in my life.

To all who might know me better than the others, I have seasonal affective disorder or S.A.D. It's a state when I easily get depressed (for no apparent reason, take note), especially when the rainy or cold season approaches. They say it's something to do with the absence of sunlight, but anyway this year, I had unusually few episodes. In fact I can remember none so far. I have no major emotional shifts, or sudden epiphanies of maturity, but all I can recall is, things were just so fast that my tiny brain seem to not have processed most of what's been happening. The lack of time (or the lack of its availability for all things I have to do), therefore, has what saved me from S.A.D. episodes. Was it good? Perhaps on one end; because on the other, I had no time to attain some annual goals too.

Cramming. That's what I do best (Second best, actually --- first is procrastination). But you know, when you enter the 4th quarter of the year and you realize you've only hit 1 out of 5 targets, man, you'd really start getting into one of those depression moments. Well, at least for me, that is. But needless to day, it's never really too late.

October has so far been one of the most important months of my 2013. I don't want to say I'm cramming, but rather, moving forward (oh yes IBM friends, that's our favorite phrase) and catch up with my learning. If I'm going to start with rounds of S.A.D. episodes again just because I realize I haven't done much and am technically stuck at this point, will it then not be better to start doing them instead? Our plans are not perfect, and there's what we call God's time. But that doesn't mean we'd always have to let ourselves be pushed back. If Plan A doesn't work, there are 25 more letters in the Alphabet. Or try alpha-numeric combinations to produce an infinity of solutions. And the time to proceed to the next is always now.

I need not delve into detail as to the things I've started catching up, since I don't claim to be an expert, and don't aim to be one anyway. But if there's one thing I'd like to share prior to me reaching this point --- understand your objective. Ask yourself "Why am I doing this?", and be honest enough to admit the reason to yourself. Because if it's for plain vanity, forget it. Emphasis on FORGET IT.

Mom has done some forced re-arrangement on our room, and there have been changes in my current circle of networks, too, you know, people who come and people you have to let go. These are my clues --- if parts of my life are changing, I can't be left stagnant. So cheers to the things I've started to take on learning at last --- and cheers to my very, very realistic deadlines too. LOL. I pray that you too may find the rest of the year still worthy to catch up with. #

thecollegecrush.com

ANKLA

I.

Trapik.
Isang dagat ng pulang ilaw sa kahabaan
ng makasaysayang kalsada.
Pinipigilan Mo ba 'kong makarating?
Sinusubok mo ba ang aking pasensiya
sa marahang pag-usad
ng mga sasakyan sa kahabaan ng EDSA?

Drayber, pakibilisan.
Wala naman akong magagawa.
Nakaupo sa kaha ng lata,
Hihintayin na lamang ang pag-ikot
ng apat na gulong na goma.
Sabay-sabay. Sunud-sunod.
Makakarating rin tayo.

Mama, para po.
Mabilis kong nilakad ang konkretong daan.
Madilim na. Kailangang mag-ingat.
Matarik ang hagdan sa istasyon ng tren.
Tatlumpung hakbang, kailangang dalian.
Sinisiksik ang sarili sa agos ng tao ---
Pababa sila, paakyat naman ako.

II.

Narating ko ang tuktok.
Tinatanaw ko mula sa itaas
Ang dagat na kanina'y kinalulubugan ko.
Kanina, dagat, ngayon isang larawan.
Walang kilos, subalit may libu-libong kwento.
Mabilis ang aking lakad, subalit ang mata ko'y
Dahan-dahang inaalala ang isa't kalahating taong nakalipas.
May nagbago ba? Sa bilis ng aking hakbang,
Natanto kong ang mga paa ko'y di pa rin nakakalimot.
Humahakbang akong tila ang isa't kalahating taon,
Ay nangyari lamang kahapon.

Pababa, tatlumpung hakbang ulit.
Nandoon pa rin sila --- silang nag-aabot ng makulay na papel,
Sa pag-asang makakabenta ng isang unit
Sa isang gusali ng patung-patong na kahon at kapalaluan.
Nandoon pa rin siya, siyang dahil hindi nakakakita,
Ay inaawitan ang dapit-hapon ng malungkot na himig
Sa saliw ng kanyang gitara, para sa kaunting barya.
Nandoon pa rin lahat, lahat ng,
Sa loob ng tatlong taon,
araw-araw dinaanan, tiniis, kinamulatan,
at bigla-biglang iniwanan.

III.

Pero bakit nga ba,
Bakit ko nga ba ginustong
Muli itong balikan?
Sa kalagitnaan ng aking pagmamatapang,
Kinailangan ko ng sapat na dahilan.
Sabi ng isang malapit na kaibigan,
"Balikan mo kung bakit ka lumisan."

Sa isang gabing tinahak ko muli ang nakaraan,
Maaaring nahanap ko na ang kasagutan.
Pangarap, mahal kong kaibigan.
Dito nga pala ako nangarap.
Ito ang lugar kung saan aking natagpuan,
Ang mga bagay na nais kong ipaglaban,
At mga taong nauunawaan ang konsepto ko ng "kalayaan."

IV.

Malakas ang buhos ng ulan, at walang sinyales
Na ito'y hihinto anumang oras mula ngayon.
Marahil, wala pa ring ganang magpakita muli ang araw;
Subalit, panibagong araw pa rin naman ang dulot ng kinabukasan.
At kahit anong mangyari, ako'y magpatuloy.
Dadalhin ko ang bagay na natagpuan kong muli,
At itatabi sa bahaging parati kong maipapaalala sa sarili.

Huwag mo akong husgahan. Hindi ako naging ibang tao,
At hindi mo kailangang maipakiwari kung bakit
hindi mo nakitang unti-unti akong nagbabago.
Balang araw, mauunawaan mo rin ---
Kung bakit kinailangan kong dumaan sa daan mo,
Gaya ng pagtanggap ko sa katotohanang
Ako ay nasa kung saan ako nararapat sa oras na ito. #

photo by indie-writer @ Ethan Allen Pioneer

ODE TO THE WAS

Weekends.
No phone call? That's odd.
No shipment? That sucks.

Monday.
How EDSA ate my week.
Traffic. Bad? Nothing new.
Staring out the window,
Billboard-watching, thinking,
"That could have looked better if..."
Pioneers to the human U-turn.
Riding that two-stroked engine,
Nothing but irritating.
But back-ride? A lowly adventure.
Roads and slopes in this familiar dwelling.
Getting off the boundary.
Big gate. Small gate.
Side mirror hits the wall.
What big trucks.
Inside, walk with care.
Silence. Darkness. Solitude.
Productivity.

Tuesday.
Repeat lines above.
Except, with friends around.
First batch, second batch.
Someone should be left behind.
Four PM. Canteen?
3-in-1 coffee. Need water.
Fountain-temperature.
Cold. Diluted.
Second-hand smoke.
Conversations.
Real conversations.

Wednesday.
Floor plan, wall paint, lighting.
Fabrics. Wood samples.
Colors, drapes, finish.
Re-order. Re-order. Re-order.

Thursday.
Order.

Friday.
PC? Greenbelt? Kapitolyo?
One rule no matter where:
Not more than one bottle.
Of soda. And of course,
Tales. Of the crypt.

Busy mornings.
Panic afternoons.
Tiresome evenings.
Still, there's life after the day.

The real, the ifs, the dreams ---
How I miss them, but then,
It is not here, not now.
It is there. And now, Was.

Three years.
Homecoming.
Real.
Soon. #