ARRHYTHMIA II

Isang daan lang daw kada minuto.

Isang daang tibok. Pintig. Sikdo.

Sinubukan kong damhin sa aking mga daliri.

Bakit ang sa aki'y tila higit na mas marami?

Pakiusap, huminahon ka na.

Wala namang sayong nakikipagkarera.

Kahit ga'no kabilis ang iyong kumpas

Di ka makalalabas sa munti mong rehas.

Matagal-tagal ka ring hindi nagpadama.

Buwan o taon - ang huli'y kailan nga ba?

Para bumangon ang isang masidhing agam-agam,

Isang gabi lang ang aking kinailangan.

Isang gabing inilarawan ng kanyang tinig.

Kalmado, malamlam, nababalot ng lamig.

Kung paano nahulog ang buwan mula sa langit,

At nag-iwan kinabukasan ng isang mahabang guhit.

Sana ba'y 'di ko na lamang inusisa?

Ngunit ako rin para sa kanya'y balisa.

Sana ba'y hindi ko na lamang nabatid?

Kamangmangan ko'y walang buting maihahatid. 

Lunes -

Para sa kanya,

Marahil isa na naman lamang

Pangkaraniwan at nakaririmarim na Lunes.

Subalit,

Ang hilahil na ito'y

Habambuhay kong papasanin

Sa hudyat ng pagsisimula ng kanyang Lunes.

Isang pangakong pilit kong ipinabitiw.

Mga himig at salitang pilit pinagsasaliw.

Sakaling makatanggap ng di inaasahang tawag

Ako ba'y matutuwa o higit na mababagabag?

Hihinto nang tuluyan ang iyong pagpintig

Dahil sa kabilang linya'y di marinig ang kanyang tinig.

Subalit ang tawag niya'y hudyat sa akin ng kamalayan, ng kalayaan.

At ikaw, puso ko, ay titibok, at titigil na sa isang daan, #

SEVEN DEGREES

Seven degrees. Sun setting on my east.
On my left, a single row of trees
That stand sturdily
Amidst the chill of year's end.

They look down at me. Down. At me.
They utter narry a word,
But their glances pierce heavily
Through my thick winter wardrobe.

I look back. I stare back.
Can a tree still be a "tree"
When its leaves are no more?

What good are you, then,
When you fail to give me shade?
How can you stand up so proud
When you do nothing,
But sleep and wait for spring?

But then, birds still cling onto you.
Squirrels still find your dry branches
Playground for their silly games.
Insects still find warmth
In your cold, empty trunks.

Stop. Stop looking at me
Like I can do better.
I have not gone to this place
In the past two summers.

Today, every green from you was shed.
Not a single dangling leaf can I see
From this cold wooden bench where I sit.
I am taken aback.
I have never seen you like this before.
But, have I ever "seen" you before?

The winter bared to me a part of you
That I will, perhaps,
Never would be able to fathom.
For I am merely a random visitor
Who happened to sit beside you today.
For I am just like everybody else
Who can see your beauty
Even when all life is shed. #

ENDURING SEASONS

It's officially Autumn, and it started to get cold this side of the world. Tonight the temperature's around 10 degrees Celsius; that's not by far the worst as I woke up to a 4 degrees a couple of weeks ago, but for someone who grew up in the Asian tropics, this is starting to kill me. Or at least, my focus. If there's one thing that this weather has done bad to me, it's distracting me fully. But I have to go on. There's no other way but for me to get up and get going. As long as I put enough layers of clothing I know I'd be fine anyway.

This afternoon I decided to pop out of my dorm for a pretty little picnic that the seniors prepared for new students. Yes, a "pretty" picnic is how you call an event where they basically give you a nice welcome before the nightmares start. And a "welcome" is a shorter word for "tips to lessen the agony" or "warnings for freshies taking economics".

My favorite shortcut to the university is the sports ground, comprised of a small running track and a couple of tennis and beach volleyball courts. It has been raining the whole morning, and now I realize that Autumn only looks pretty with the orange leaves, but not the wet ground. On my way today it was very noticeable how the trees along the sports ground started turning yellow in a matter of days, with their leaves turning yellow to orange, like a poetic sunset, before they finally fall to the ground. The whole Autumn season here is pretty short, from mid-September through November. While I was looking up the trees, I felt like telling them, "the next couple of  months will probably be just enough for your leaves to completely shed off before winter."

But as I stepped and walked past the orange leaves on the ground, I found myself asking, "Were the trees designed to endure the months that they can only stand Autumn, or was Autumn designed to be that short until a time that trees can only stand?" Which one was made for what?

In a number of times we find ourselves in the middle of something difficult. Like trees, we turn to a color which people don't normally see the whole year round. Further, we shed things from ourselves --- our resources, our happiness, and our strength. We try to endure it to a certain stretch, but when all is exhausted, we finally ask if it can just be taken away from us.

I just realized that the Season is very wise, and He sees what the trees are going through. He knows when the they're experiencing extreme cold. He knows when they've had enough shedding. But He, too, knows that He can't stop until such time that the tree has shed off from it's last earthly leaf. He even knows that after the trees have been stripped off of all its leaves, it's going to have to endure more months of colder weather in Winter, so there's not much of a point in stopping the challenge in Autumn. Why? Because He knows that it would not be possible to bloom the most beautiful flowers in Spring if the trees don't shed off and endure that difficulty.

As I stepped and walked past the orange leaves on the ground, I thought maybe the answer to my question is, it's both. I felt like a tree shedding in Autumn, and I know there's still going to be a long Winter ahead of me. But God has designed me in such a way to help me endure these hurdles, and He designed these hurdles in such a way that I am sure to endure them. My favorite quote says, "God doesn't give you what you can't endure." It has always been a game of trust that I continue to fail on every day, but I'm happy to have heard His message through the beautiful leaves of Autumn today. #

'Do not fear or be dismayed because of this great multitude, for the battle is not yours but God's.'  --- 2 Chronicles 20:15

KATIPUNAN

Dalawang nakaraan ang bumabalik sa isipan.
Isa, noong nasa rurok ng kamusmusan.
Panahong unang makita ang "mundo",
       ang inaakalang kalawakan.
Panay umaga, panay hapon.
Sa aking isip isang agam-agam
       sa susunod na apat na taon.
Panay aklat, panay sabi-sabi.
Kailan ko makikita ang mundo
       para sa aking sarili?

Sa pagitan ng tatlong taon binaybay
       ang mas malawig na daan.
EDSA sa mas kilalang tawag ng karamihan.
Subalit sa biglang tawag ng "tadhana"
Akoy' dinalang muli sa dating kalsada.
Sa pagkakataong ito ibang "ako" ang napagdili-dili
Maliban sa edad, bitbit ko
       ang libong kaisipa't damdaming kinukubli.
Sa uma-umagang pakikibaka
       sa paghihintay at pagninilay
Umuuwi gabi-gabi sa parehong rutang
       tanging ilaw at busina ang karamay.
Minsang aambon, madalas ulan at baha
Sa napakaiksing panahon ang daang ito'y
       saksi sa lahat ng hinuha.

Sa umagang bitbit ko ang ligayang walang tungo
Gaya ng ilaw na itinutok sa langit, may pinagmumulan
       subalit walang dulo.
Sa gabing pasan ko ang lahat ng hapo
Nangangarap ng isang biyaheng
       matatapos sa iilang pulso.
Sa bawat oras, hindi gabi't hindi rin araw,
Na ako'y nakalutang sa isang balintataw
Nagmumuni-muni sa susunod na hakbang
Nakatitig sa malawak na luntiang lupaing
       sa harap nama'y puno ng harang.

Isang iglap, muling kinailangang magpaalam
Isang libo't isang tagpo ang tumakas sa aking agam-agam.
Hindi ko nagawang tignan ka sa huling pagkakataon.
Ang mga tulay na sinubok ng mahabang panahon
Ang mga posteng nagsisilbing gabay
Ang mga taong ipinaubaya na sa 'yo ang kanilang buhay.

Pa-Silangan, pabalik sa aking Kabataan.
Pa-Hilaga, patungo sa aking Kinabukasan.
Magkaroon kaya muli ng ikatlong pagtatagpo?
Akin na lamang ipinikit ang mga matang
       sa pagod ay sumuko.
Sino nga ba'ng makapagsasabi, aking kaibigan?
Marahil ang butihing Hangin, kung ito'y muling aayon
       sa Kanyang kalooban. #

Andreo Bongco Photography

RESISTING RESISTANCE

I was sitting on my bedside quietly, holding my plane ticket which says departure is at 11am at Terminal 1. I jumped to my still unlocked luggage, and turned to the laundry where I'm still washing and forcibly drying a couple of clothes that I know I have to bring with me. Outside of my room, mom and dad didn't look ready either. It's almost 9am. We got into the car. Along the way I realize I forgot my ticket and passport at home. No choice but to go back the tracks of the horrible EDSA traffic. It's almost 10:30 and at this point I know I'm definitely going to miss my flight. Ironically, I am not worried at all. Suddenly, my mobile phone alarms. It's 5 in the morning. I'm alone in my room, in Germany, and it has been almost two weeks now. And I have been resistant so far.

I guess it's but natural to compare old things and habits when you get a chance to see new places. When I first came here, it was just nice to see that airports and train stations were clean, buses come and go on time, streets are safe to walk, cars make a full stop for crossing pedestrians, water everywhere is safe to drink, prices of goods are reasonable, and the environment is generally peaceful. Before I left though, one of my friends said, "Give yourself a week to adjust, then you'll see." Indeed but unconsciously, I started missing things little by little. I missed having to wake up early to get rid of traffic, working at 2 in the morning, cooking for the family, preparing for Households, getting scared of going home late, Sunday mass, UP and jeepney rides, Tumana, Technohub, Megamall --- everything and everybody I've been used to in the past years just come flashing back in my head every now and then. I'm a very nostalgic person, and when I say "I miss" something, it means missing the feeling that comes with that beautiful memory. So yes, this is the very reason why I sometimes intentionally get up before dawn here --- because I wanted to get in touch and chat with people I am familiar with back home.

Bit by bit, too, I started to dislike two facts of life here. One, that everything's just too convenient. For someone who grew up in the third world, hardship is a part of life; and it makes me uncomfortable how comfortable things and people are here. So what are people actually living for? Second, that I'm doing things here for me alone. It was very timely though that around the same time that I'm feeling this, Pao, one of my former officemates, told me, "Ate remember, hindi lang yan para sa sarili mo." In a snap I was reminded. That line made perfect sense. Indeed, I have to accept the fact that everything I do here is part of the dream I wanted to achieve. I know what I am fighting for, but I cannot choose the battles that can come with it. In the littlest of things, my patience, endurance and faith will be tested, and I'm going to have to lose part of the familiar along the way.

I'm not yet in the verge of homesickness. I might be missing things, but I realize today that I'm happy. I'm happy not because I'm away from thousands of my country's third world problems, but because I realize that I was actually very happy with my life back at home. In fact it is now that I appreciate coming from a third world even more. It may not be a first world life that I live, but it's a life I lived with people, for people, with love, and for love. And I am proud to say today and every single day that my country is beautiful, and so are my people. Those are the very things that's going to keep me for now.

Today, another week has passed. Although the first week has excruciatingly been slow, this one went by pretty fast. So maybe two years won't be so long after all. I would just need to remind myself to resist the feeling of resistance more often. And I would be needing your prayers more often too. #

PICKING UP

Man, has it been a while.

When it has been months since your last post, there's no other way to start all over but to mull over your random thoughts. Yep, that's the sign of a true fake writer. For real.

So people thought that I went on a writing hiatus. Was I keeping myself in the corner, contemplating on the next big thing to write about, like a rock star hiding away on the outskirts of Memphis, listening to the Mississippi with pen and paper on hand? Not true --- I simply could not do it the past months. Lack of inspiration? Too cliche. Preoccupied? Maybe. Well let's just say I have been that lazy that I didn't even lift a finger to type you a short paragraph. Yep, "lazy" is indeed the perfect adjective.

Five months. I can't even keep up. What actually transpired? I knew there was a whole lot. What pains me though, is that I could not type them all now as they have just gone past in front of me. Like an unexpected cool wind that greets you on a hot summer noon --- five seconds, and that's it. Five months. The adventures perhaps could have been written somewhere in this blog. It could have been a narration of colors, of emotions. But none of it was ever written. It was regrettable, but at the same time it was not.

The past five months, I now realize, has been a time of significant silence. Incidentally, it has also been five months since I have muted myself on Facebook. For people who know me, I'm a one-line orator --- I speak my mind in one line, whether people like it or not, whether I build or destroy. But suddenly, what started off as a break from insanity eventually became a habit. My initial intention in deactivating my account was to focus on a last-chance project I've long been working on. I have been bothered with so much noise around news feed, tags, posts, and other social media what-nots, and I know that a distance from all these would definitely be handy.

And so it has been. The last-chance, by God's grace, has unexpectedly become a turnaround opportunity. I had to pay the price though, of course. Some friends thought I "un-friended" them. In many occasions I thought I was so out-of-date that I don't even know what's happening not only to friends but to my surroundings. I don't even know who's going to read this if this doesn't get posted in FB!!!

Still, I have not touched the log-in button. For one, I learned to challenge myself to make the effort to get to know people better not by looking at their profiles, but by taking a conscious effort to give time for a sweet talk. Informing myself on the latest news is another. I had to do a little trick though and create a second account for my Singles for Christ updates ---  I accepted no friends though, so that made me look all the more anti-social. It's not cool telling people you don't have FB, but being anti-social though makes you realize who your real "Friends" are. Believe me.

I have been silent most of my conscious life. I always thought that when you're a woman of few words, more silence would not mean anything anymore. But this period of silence has been the greatest and most humbling thus far. The noise has consumed me both ways --- inward and outward. Over time, we unconsciously become products of culture and the environment. As for me, I talked more and listened less. With silence, I learned to listen to only the most essential sources, and depend on the One source of all things essential.

I have accepted that I will be misunderstood a while more. But the journey is not over yet. At a point when I have started picking up the pieces, I know that a little more silence won't hurt. #

SUMMIT

Autumn.
That time of the year when dried out leaves bid farewell
To branches that hold them dear.
Brown, dry, fallen.
On the ground, crisp as freshly washed linen,
Taking the hue of the earthen soil beneath.
At times, on grass.
On lush greens moistened with cold dew drops at dawn.

Autumn.
A time of dying, a prerequisite to breathing.
To breathe, to give way to life anew,
When branches give birth to sprigs of green
And pink
And yellow
And purple.
Flowers.
Tiny buds making its way out of their home,
Out of seeds, out to where the breeze blows
At the gentlest sign of spring.

But, spring.
Doesn't come until after the cold.
Not until a young, brown leaf gets crushed
On the ground, covered with thin, gray, dusty ice.
Not until the frozen silence conquers the heavy rustling
And falling
And dying.

And dying.

Autumn. #

MY FAVORITE MISTAKES (in Filipino Grammar)

The Philippines has always been proud of its high literacy rate, always more or less at the 90+% rate year in year out. On top of that, 56% of the population are well-versed in the English language that we are even more particular in grammar and vocabulary compared to native speakers. In fact the middle and upper classes of society have coined the term "Grammar Nazi" to pertain to people who spot and correct grammatical errors at point blank. This becomes very common, especially in the age of social media where more than half of the posts you see by Filipinos are actually expressed in English. What fancies me, however, is the fact that we are actually very prone to drawing ourselves into the same pitfall --- that is, get really bad in our native language's basic grammar 101s.

So as much as grammar nazis hate the famous subject-verb agreement errors popularized by pop songs ("she don't love me") and favorite homophone mistakes (your and you're, their and they're), I'm listing 5 of the most common Filipino (Tagalog to be specific) grammatical errors that I encounter in daily conversations.

1) Nang/Ng - similar to the they're and their etc, this Filipino homophone is the most favorite mistake of all time. Nang is an adverb (pang-abay) therefore should be followed by a verb or an adjective, while Ng is a preposition ("of" in English) thus should be followed by a noun.

e.g. gumising NANG maaga, gusto NANG umatras, vs. uminom NG tubig, nagtakal NG bigas. And don't mistake it with the contracted "NA + ANG". It's a little similar to "already" e.g. wala NANG pera, or mayroon NANG kuryente

Nang is also a substitute for "noong", as in NANG siya ay umalis. Also a substitute for "para" as in maligo ka NANG bumango. But those are more on the formal use.

2) Verb conjugation in the Past Tense - Generally, if the verb begins with a consonant, past tense becomes first letter + in + the rest of the verb. If the verb begins with a vowel, you write "in", and then the verb. This goes true for verbs requiring a direct object (tuwirang layon).

e.g. kuha = kINuha ang... , amoy = INamoy ang... , patong = pINatong sa... , inom = INinom ang...

But of course there is an exception for verbs beginning with the letter L, wherein you use the format "ni + verb"

e.g. lagay = nilagay ang... , luto = niluto ang...

So it's actually wrong to say nikuha, nipatong, niganyan, niganon. They're probably just trying to sound cute. :P

3) Verb conjugation in the Present Tense - For present tense, the repetitive syllable will always be the first syllable of the verb and not the "KA".

e.g. Nakaiinis, not Nakakainis. So it's actually wrong to say Nakakapagpabagabag because it should be Nakapagpapabagabag. :)

4) Spelling 101 - the SMS and social media age has brought about major changes with the way we spell our native words. It's HINDI and not HINDE, LALAKI and not LALAKE, SINABI and not SINABE. And because Tagalog is simply pronounced as spelled and vice-versa, please, we need to hear the /i/ sound and not the /eh/.

5) Raw/Daw = you use RAW if followed by a word ending in a vowel. DAW is used when preceded by a word that ends in a consonant. Exceptions are letters W and Y as they sound like vowels.

sinabi RAW ni Pepe, not sinabi daw
inamin DAW ng kriminal, not inamin raw
palay RAW ang ani, not palay daw
mababaw RAW ang ilog, not mababaw daw

BONUS: Taglish conjugated verbs = I just love seeing words like "nag-swimming", "magta-Timezone" and other horrible conjugations of both Tagalog and English verbs. They seem to be generally acceptable now, but only in as far as human understanding is concerned (lol). I myself could not think of a straight rule for this, but it really pains me to see Tagalog letters in between English words, like:

pinakuluan = binoil
pinadala = sinend
kinulot = cinurl (how do you even pronounce that?!)

And because they are both grammatically and aesthetically ugly, can we please just settle with them being unacceptable? :P


I gave you the jumpstart and you may think of several more. We may laugh, yes, but we're not being grammar Nazis here. Anybody who hasn't made a mistake in either languages is by the way called a grammar freak already. And I'm not saying that we Filipinos should just stick to English either. Our language is part of our identity, and the rules around its grammar is not meant to alienate any speaker or writer, but to simply act as a guide to its art form, and for the sole purpose of communication and universal understanding.

Oh and the next time you greet someone hello, say KUmusta and not KAmusta --- because it's actually from the Spanish "como estas." :) #

LIVING IN THE NOW

The first time I drafted a resignation letter, I stared for more than a freaking hour at a blank MS Word page. Knowing myself, I planned on writing something dramatic, and ending it with a bang. But I ended up searching Google for a sample resignation letter format, something more direct, since no one would really care anyway.

Poignancy hits me nowadays seeing a lot of good friends leaving my workplace. I think to myself, “That was me, almost 3 years ago.” I suddenly miss those days of stress and transition, the exciting thought of starting anew, and the wave of relief when you finally get your last pay. Seeing people leave can be a bit sad. Yes, it's only a “bit” now, because I've gradually been numbed over time.

When I was younger I used to believe that the relationships I have built in my workplace would be the only thing that would hold me. You can’t blame me, my first officemates were all warm and cool at the same time (shameless shout-out to my EA and FGI friends out there), and we had a lot of ideals and hobbies in common. But people grow, and so do our dreams. It was painful to let go of 3 and a half years of good memories, but we all come to a point of decision --- and I decided to move out where I know it’s not going to be comfortable. One by one, we did. And to this day we honored an unwritten promise --- no excuses, and no turning back.

This time though, I’m the one who’s being left. But I know I understand things better now, and perhaps I owe it to that part of my past. Now I know why the people I left cared the least. They probably were happy, and we have different priorities anyway. Plus, they were stable enough to not let anybody else's decisions affect theirs. And I understand why some younger people would react like it’s the end of the world when their friends leave too. I used to think the same, but I always remind myself that though making friends is part of what we gain, that’s not the reason why we go to work. 

People get used to ways, to habits, to people, and then the daily routine eventually becomes a system. When something suddenly changes, that’s when our system gets a glitch. And when we can’t cope with change, that’s when we lose. It’s ok to miss a lot of things --- besides the people, sales meetings, field work and stressful phone calls, I still miss the EDSA traffic and anniversary sales. Believe me, I still could not memorize my new pay dates (yes I know, that sucks), and there are Mondays when I wake up worrying if I left the logbook with the Warehouse. Then I realize, it’s been 3 years and I now have a new set of worries to attend to. When I wake up to those kind of days, I just smile, and then go back to living in the present. It's your journey so you have all the control over the steering wheel. If you keep looking at your rear view, holding on to the past, you won't see the astounding beauty ahead of you.

Time permits us to handle things differently, including change. We experience similar situations, but in different perspectives, thus we approach them differently too. And if we just allow ourselves to grow and accept certain inalienable truths, there’s no need for unnecessary drama. But it will all happen over time. That’s why all I can say is, it sure feels good to be older. # 

fitvillains

MY SUICIDE NOTE (Just in case)

This last letter goes out to my beloved family, friends, and people who might thought to have known me.

The year 2014 has been nuts. April came and I suddenly felt like I'm pressed against a wall of a tilted ship, with all the stuff in the boat inevitably rushing towards me. Life gets really hard at times, especially when you feel like all of a sudden, someone's creating earthquakes below the ground, resulting to some major damages on the surface. But honestly, I also once believed Earthquakes are opportunities to rebuild. Nature reclaims what is hers, destroys all those man-made nonsense, and in the end we go back to basic.

People who knew me well also knew that there were only 3 things that I hated when I was alive. One, expectations. Great expectations. Second, boring stuff --- you know, highly predictable patterns. And third, storm surges. I'm not a huge fan of calm waters, but neither do I love tons of problems simultaneously getting in the way. It creates massive panic that results to unwise and impractical decisions. Today was one.

I killed myself not because I was betrayed and disenchanted. The past months, I was shocked to know that some "friends" have that other side in them which in my wildest dreams I never would have thought. I reached a point where I realized people either faked it or simply hid the truth from me. But that's fine, I mean that's reality. I'm human, and so are they. They were my "friends" but I was not. If anybody's apparently capable of doing unthinkable things, I'm surely not one to judge. I go forward. I was probably just naive.

I killed myself not because I broke my own heart. The past months, I found out that someone I like actually likes someone else, and that he dated a couple of people who I actually know. I like him but he doesn't like me back. But again, that's fine, I mean it was my choice anyway and I can always like someone else and be happy again. And that doesn't give me a reason to start hating either. I was probably just naive.

I killed myself not because this world was unfair. The past few years, I worked long hours, didn't sleep very well, didn't get to travel around and spend my money on myself so much because I thought I had better things to prioritize. I've always loved writing, but when my essay got published in a major newspaper this year, I can't go telling people because I have a lot in my turf to protect. It was crazy and horrible at the same time. But that's fine, I mean I enjoyed every bit of the experience while I was alive, and it felt good to look back that everything I did was out of my own free will. I was probably just naive.

I killed myself not because I didn't have much friends. Though I was not bullied, people did not like me so much either. Sometimes I felt like a wallflower, and a lot of times I asked myself what's wrong with me. But I realized having a few good friends is already a good thing in itself, because the more I tried to fit in, the more I felt screwed. I was happy, because I know I have my family, and I was loved by people who chose to accept and appreciate simply what's me. I was probably just naive.

And I killed myself not because I was naive. People thought I was the nice guy, because I never thought anybody will intentionally hurt me --- until they actually do. That's why when I get hurt, I get even (see? I told you I'm not nice). But although I used to get embarrassed with my naivete, I realized that was the exact same thing that held me together. If I allowed myself to get hurt because of things, people, and words that should not really matter, I would have killed myself rather earlier than today.

Today, I killed myself --- the self that knew fear, distrust, envy, and anger. I killed the self that destroyed the self that could have bloomed a long time ago, a self that should have known nothing but hope, love and faith. The Earthquakes were all meant to rebuild me. And though you will never know how crazy things get inside my head every single minute, I know I'm still sane --- because I believe it was my God who created those ripples, and it is only He who can reclaim what is His in His time. #


"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." - Philippians 4:13

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