PICKING UP

Man, has it been a while.

When it has been months since your last post, there's no other way to start all over but to mull over your random thoughts. Yep, that's the sign of a true fake writer. For real.

So people thought that I went on a writing hiatus. Was I keeping myself in the corner, contemplating on the next big thing to write about, like a rock star hiding away on the outskirts of Memphis, listening to the Mississippi with pen and paper on hand? Not true --- I simply could not do it the past months. Lack of inspiration? Too cliche. Preoccupied? Maybe. Well let's just say I have been that lazy that I didn't even lift a finger to type you a short paragraph. Yep, "lazy" is indeed the perfect adjective.

Five months. I can't even keep up. What actually transpired? I knew there was a whole lot. What pains me though, is that I could not type them all now as they have just gone past in front of me. Like an unexpected cool wind that greets you on a hot summer noon --- five seconds, and that's it. Five months. The adventures perhaps could have been written somewhere in this blog. It could have been a narration of colors, of emotions. But none of it was ever written. It was regrettable, but at the same time it was not.

The past five months, I now realize, has been a time of significant silence. Incidentally, it has also been five months since I have muted myself on Facebook. For people who know me, I'm a one-line orator --- I speak my mind in one line, whether people like it or not, whether I build or destroy. But suddenly, what started off as a break from insanity eventually became a habit. My initial intention in deactivating my account was to focus on a last-chance project I've long been working on. I have been bothered with so much noise around news feed, tags, posts, and other social media what-nots, and I know that a distance from all these would definitely be handy.

And so it has been. The last-chance, by God's grace, has unexpectedly become a turnaround opportunity. I had to pay the price though, of course. Some friends thought I "un-friended" them. In many occasions I thought I was so out-of-date that I don't even know what's happening not only to friends but to my surroundings. I don't even know who's going to read this if this doesn't get posted in FB!!!

Still, I have not touched the log-in button. For one, I learned to challenge myself to make the effort to get to know people better not by looking at their profiles, but by taking a conscious effort to give time for a sweet talk. Informing myself on the latest news is another. I had to do a little trick though and create a second account for my Singles for Christ updates ---  I accepted no friends though, so that made me look all the more anti-social. It's not cool telling people you don't have FB, but being anti-social though makes you realize who your real "Friends" are. Believe me.

I have been silent most of my conscious life. I always thought that when you're a woman of few words, more silence would not mean anything anymore. But this period of silence has been the greatest and most humbling thus far. The noise has consumed me both ways --- inward and outward. Over time, we unconsciously become products of culture and the environment. As for me, I talked more and listened less. With silence, I learned to listen to only the most essential sources, and depend on the One source of all things essential.

I have accepted that I will be misunderstood a while more. But the journey is not over yet. At a point when I have started picking up the pieces, I know that a little more silence won't hurt. #