OTHERWISE

Assuming we already met the way we did. What could have happened if you, or I, chose to stay inside that little world for a while more?

Perhaps I eventually found the tiniest bit of courage one day to come up to you during lunch or coffee break and strike a small conversation. Or maybe, since I was too shy to approach you in front of your folks, I would hurriedly punch my time-out on the dot and patiently wait for you outside of the gate, pretending to be innocently waiting for someone to share the trike with going to EDSA. Or if you're walking, I would have pretended to be just on my way to walking too. "Hello... Lalakad ka rin pa-EDSA? Sabay na tayo." You would have freaked out, but most probably gave me that first try because you did not want to embarrass me by saying no. But the next time you see me outside of the gate you would take another route because you cannot stand me draining you once more with my inquisitiveness. But I would have tried and tried, over and over. That was, if you, or I, had a little more time.

Perhaps, when I cornered you again and you decided to give me another chance one afternoon, you'd find out we can have some sensible conversations after all. Then you'd let me share the trike ride with you from time to time. At that point I'd be asking you what's on your current reading list, and you'd be talking non-stop about that book you've been reading over and over. I would like to read it too, but I'd still be shy to borrow your copy. You look like someone whose books are arranged in Dewey decimal classification in thick, wooden shelves. But I can't wait for the next afternoon, so I'd ask you to meet the next morning at the trike terminal so we could walk together to the office. Eventually, we'd be doing that every morning just so I could keep up with all your detailed book reviews. Perhaps those mornings would not have been so monotonous for me. That was, if you, or I, had a little more time.

Perhaps, after a couple of months more, realizing that trike rides and long walks are still not enough, I would gather a little more courage to take the bus with you to Cubao. You would usually prefer to just take a nap throughout the stretch of traffic, but I would not let you because I have more questions. I am like the Little Prince --- I do not let go of a question once I asked it. But unlike most adults, you're not interested with matters of consequences, and so you would ask me your questions too, just to get even. If neither of us are in a hurry but are both hungry, we'd probably be annoying each other by treating the other to a simple dinner. I would have known by then that you're not used to being treated, and so am I. On lean days, we'd have a casual meal at a decent fast food, because I know you don't mind. On some days, or just any day you want, I'd be treating you to a large bowl of authentic ramen. With extra soup and extra noodles. That was, if you, or I, had a little more time.

Perhaps I'd be delaying my house chores sometimes for Sunday and just hang out with you for real on Saturdays. From time to time I'd be asking you to go with me to check out new collections in good museums. Or just take strolls around UP and eat isaw and dirty ice cream. Or a supermarket trip in Cubao. Or just hop on-hop off LRT lines. I would probably be waiting for Cinemalaya season and reserve festival passes for us pretty early so we could watch everything you think is good or which your friend is either an actor, a producer, or a director. That was, if you, or I, had a little more time.

As for more time, we didn't have it back then. But still, we met again; and it's this chance we would have to take to forget about what was otherwise. #

WHAT COULD BE THE LAST. CHAROT.

I don't want to add to those "year-end" articles in your feed but I mustered the strength to battle my laziness today and type something anyway. That, and I just found it utterly unbelievable that I have not posted anything since October this year, not to mention that that last post was a very cryptic piece of crap that one of my readers rated it "Ano Daw?" LOL. Pasalamat ka untraceable yung click. But thanks anyway for being honest. I read it again today, and I couldn't agree more! 😂

I have failed yet again to keep up with my target and write as much as I want/have to this year. I guess my energies have been diverted heavily, to say the least. I wouldn't go into detail on where they were purportedly diverted, as my mind's flashing mental pictures of econometric data and trade policy graphs once again as I try to recall them. It was just funny that I actually did not TOTALLY forget about opening this webpage during those times. When I visited my Drafts section, I actually have 5 pending posts, two of which I only managed to write down the title and then pressed exit! 🙌 But for what could be my last post this year, allow me to at least let you know what I have been intending to post over the last 5 months. For the first time, I'm treating you to a rare, inside access to my Drafts section. 😜

1) Title: INTRICACIES --- One of those two that I managed to write only the title of. Seriously, I could not even remember now how I intended to play with that word just by the look of it. Perhaps one of my "pa-deep" posts, those where I tell you about about a normal everyday experience-turned-out-to-be-a-sudden-moment-of-epiphanous-realization? (Ooops, that sounded quite redundant). Who cares, I can't even remember it myself. Aye, I guess this confirms to you clearly I am but an unorganized pseudo-writer! 😈

2) Title: VIA DELA ROSA (THE WAY OF 'BATO') --- I drafted this a month after President Duterte was sworn into office and the killings related to the war on drugs has started. I have not finished it for the simple reason that my facts kept getting outdated everyday. The number of casualties kept on rising, and in another month's time, both the Congress and the Senate initiated investigations soon after we've gotten attention from the international community questioning these to be extrajudicial. I wasn't able to keep up with the proportion this issue has blown into. What started to be a "simple" battle against crime at a national level became nothing less than a political battle of who has better capacities to protect their turfs and interests. I was very surprised to hear of people saying they feel "safer" with the way things were going. Safer, until someone innocent you know gets sacked and added to statistics. And even if they are not innocent, what the hell is up with using shortcut solutions? I have feared enough and I have had enough debates with different kinds of people on this. I guess my only point is, let's not reduce those numbers into mere statistics, and let's try to look at the whole entangled issue in multiple angles. For how can we all be sure that what's being fed to us by the media is the truth after all?

3) Title: HOW DARE YOU 'SEEN-ZONE' ME? --- I drafted this during the time I disabled my "Seen" settings in Viber and WhatsApp. I loved Twitter DMs, until they also placed that feature. Fortunately you have an option to disable, unlike FB where people are making their way around not opening the Messenger chathead when it pops up on your screen. Aminin mo. Para-paraan lang yan. But seriously, I realized it caused me a lot of unnecessary psychological stress waiting for responses, feeling like 60 seconds were 60 freaking years. I am thankful for the internet and instant messaging now that I am far away and a snail mail takes two months to arrive. On the other hand, it can also damage us in some ways. I fancy the time when meeting people would simply be stating the date, time, and place you should both be. I hate that "text text na lang" thing. I tolerate a certain level of spontaneity, but wasting my time is an unforgivable matter. 😔

4) Title: SA ISANG SULOK --- The second title-only post, haha! Although for this one, at least I remember what it should have been about. I intended this one to be a poem, in Filipino, since seldom do I actually find the courage to write something in Tagalog because every time I finish one, it sounds really, really corny. I'm not saying that my poems in English are not (lololol), but personally they sound less cringe-worthy for me. 😅 This poem was supposed to be about the silent battles that people we know, people very close to us, face --- and seldom do we know. In a time when social media allows and actually encourages people to "express" themselves by posting status updates, photos, and live videos, the real picture is almost always ignored. I am not to talk about being sensitive, because I have been called insensitive so many times and I am not in a position to disagree. And this is probably why I wanted to write something on this, for I know that I am made up of both strong and weak pieces altogether. 

5) Title: Untitled --- I have written a couple of paragraphs but failed to give a title so far. My intro goes, "This is a sequel to a sequel." After my birthday, I realized I just turned 29 and I recalled that I had a blog post before about targetting to die at 28. That post was actually already a sequel, because I originally wrote my first target when I was 24! So if I got past the mark, don't you think you deserve to know why I'm still alive and hanging around your lives for no reason? Well, I did not get to finish because I'm tired of setting targets. I'd be turning 30 next year and I have a whole range of a decade to choose from --- that's too boring. Death, at least as far as I think, should come as a sweet surprise. So no targets for me for now. Maybe that should speed up the process. 🙊

That's the first and last time I'll let you in on my Drafts section, buddy. What post do you think should I strive to finish? Comment below! Charot. Wala na akong balak tapusin kahit ano diyan. I'm happy to share these thoughts aloud anyway. 😤 #